The spaces in between

To write one needs empty time. Vast open spaces so that your thoughts may arrive from far away places, like white gulls landing on the tranquil water of the sea after the waves have quieted down. Between two jobs, training, the people I love, news feeds to scroll down, old wounds and daily worries, I have found it difficult lately. I live a modest life in my little beach house, away from the busyness of the city, shopping centers, and smartphones – and yet I struggle sometimes. This morning, however, something changed. On a whim I swept my day clean of social obligations and headed out through the flower-filled meadows, taking the long route through the dunes to the sea. When I reached the beach, I looked down and noticed a clivers stuck to my sweatpants. Climbing up from my ankle to my knee like an ivy, clinging to me as we made our way over the warm sand towards the indigo horizon. As I watched her dancing in the wind, I realised that I need to keep trying. That it is up to me to create spaces, to keep still and listen as the world marches on. Because there are stories waiting to be told…

Paradise is where I am

After a couple of radiant days of spring, the weather has taken a turn. Stormy winds and downpours of rain that turns into hail whenever it gets the chance. Occasionally the sun comes out, but never for more than fifteen minutes. My shorts and slippers are lying abandoned in the hallway, without purpose or hope. I had big plans for my day off – into the woods, a swim in the sea, lying down on the grass in a city park – relaxing and laughing with friends… Instead we trod through town with soaked jeans, hiding under our hoodies. We stop at our favourite coffee place and sit down on the wooden benches outside. The clouds rush on, allowing a splash of sun that lights up our faces. A flower has fallen, face down, on the dark soaked wood. The radiant colour is enhanced by tiny drops of water, a perfectly shaped carpel in its centre – a miniature universe. As so, as I am raptured by the pureness of this beauty, I realise you don’t have to travel far to find happiness. You only have to open your eyes.

Healing pain

Five years have passed since I was attacked by a hawk. I have learned a lot about trauma since then. That it is not so much time that heals, but love – from myself, my family, kindhearted friends, and when I was finally ready, from the one who kissed my wounds. Also, that healing is painful. We’re talking flashbacks, numbness and hypervigilance. There are days I’ll be hopping through the forest, when I am suddenly scared out of my wits by a shadow, run home to my oak tree and hide trembling in a corner of the trunk, enveloped by the darkness of piercing memories. I can hear the raccoons playing outside, inviting me for a game of acorn spinning – as I lie under a blanket of leaves and try to breathe. It is difficult sometimes to open up about what is going on and let others in, because trust is one of the things that I lost in the incident. But I have also learned that I am stronger for it. The wound is the place where the light enters you. And with every step my light is getting brighter.

Come away with me

Let’s go on an adventure! To a small island in the northern archipelago, where we can breathe in the endless beauty of the nature reserve, where life moves to the rhythm of the tide, and wading birds welcome you on the stretched out mudflats, where you wake up at dawn to the smell of dewy grass, go for an early morning swim to wash away your haunting dreams, lay down on marram-covered sand hills, let the sun warm your skin and the sound of the sea shells playing in the waves tells you it’s time to sleep, until the wind invites you to cycle along the coast to the pier and find an enchanted place on the top of the woods, where you can sit down carelessly under the pine trees to have a sweet picnic of fresh greens and do Nothing, follow the dancing butterflies, get lost on the heath, stumble upon a marsh harrier dozing off in the shimmering sunset, play hide-and-seek in the crescent-shaped dunes, and watch the dazzling stars shoot through the sky until you can no longer remember where you end and the universe begins.

Gifts from the sea

On days I feel lost in this world, I always return to the beach. On my way there I noticed something resembling an umbrella leaning against the bus stop: a wooden stick, just standing there casually as though it’s a perfectly normal place for it to be, waiting for me. “A stick?” you say. Yes, I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I have come to appreciate the value of branches and secondly, it was a particularly nice one, mind you – weathered driftwood curved in the shape of a sword. I brought my treasure with me to the seaside. There I breathed in the fresh night air as the last of the sunset lingered fiercely red above the mystical, dark water. Skipping barefoot through the thundering waves, finding as always that when you can reach out and touch the horizon, everything falls into place, I came upon orange roses that someone had left there for me to find. I stopped picking flowers years ago, once I learned that loving something means letting it live, but to receive such an unexpected gift filled up the empty spaces in my heart.