Set fire to the rain

Why is it that when the story ends, we begin to feel all of it? Beautiful words from The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur. I have found them to be true. It is only now, upon the beginning of a new story, that I feel the entirety of everything that has gone before. Each night I battle monsters from my past showing up in my dreams, trying to reclaim the land that they have lost. “You are not welcome here,” I yell to them over and over again, “I want you to get out of my life!” What should be the easiest thing to accept, a love that is healthy and nourishing, quickly becomes overrun with fear and anxieties. My angst tells me that I should look for the nearest exit-sign, before the unicorn gets a change to change his colours. Like my own Lernaean Hydra, it grows two heads for every one that I chop off. I get so tired sometimes that I just want to lie down and give up. But I refuse to be trapped by the past, so I reach for my sword again and again and hope to God that one day to find a piece of firebrand.

Dance the night away

Seek and you shall not find. I always think I got this one, but somehow I never quite learn. For a while now I’ve been on a quest to find a unicorn. I know there lives one deep in the forest somewhere, so I went down there everyday and did everything I could possibly think of. I sat down on the grass and quietly read my book, making sure not to make any sudden movements. I looked behind every tree. Chased every butterfly and rainbow. Tried to squint my eyes hard enough so that a white deer looked like it might(?) have an almost invisible horn. None of these things worked, of course, but I was having the most wonderful time wandering around this beautiful place and meeting the most amazing creatures. Until one day, having forgotten all about my quest and just dancing around joyfully with my woodland friends… a unicorn magically appeared. I couldn’t tell you where he had come from, he was just there in front of me, moving his little feet and inviting me to dance with him.

Into the woods

When you live in paradise, you need never go on holiday. My little house at the beach is everything I could ever dream of. For the first time in over a year, I decided I was longing for a change of scenery and so I went on a little trip to the Veluwe woodlands. There is something about leaving everything behind – if only just for a moment. To discover unfamiliar territory and venture into an unknown world. When I arrived, it was still warm and so I headed out for an evening walk. The world was covered with rhododendrons in every colour of the rainbow. I followed a little stream into the forest and noticed something moving in the first tree I came upon. Lo and behold – it was a tiny red squirrel. I sat down in the grass beneath her. In this moment away from the hustle and bustle of daily life, I let all of my dreams flood over me. It allowed me to zoom out and see the bigger picture – how far I have come and what is still ahead. To dust off my compass and see the direction it’s pointing towards.

Creative living

Things change. Something that used to work perfectly for you, suddenly doesn’t anymore. For a while you keep thinking: if we could just get back to the way it was… But there comes a point where you have to surrender and accept it. To cut the dead wood and trust the magic of new beginnings. Case in point, I’ve made the decision to leave my (very steady) temp job. I used to love having to go into town every afternoon, but lately it’s draining my creative energy. It wasn’t until I was started reading The Magical Approach by Jane Roberts that I understood why. The book explains that creative time follows the rhythms of the earth, the seasons and tides of nature. But our society is based on production time, you know, nine-to-five-assembly-line time. It is based on the principle that each minute is valuable and most be devoted to work. But, as the book reminded me, relaxation is the champion of creativity – not its enemy. For inspiration you need empty time, where time is allowed to flow.

Warrior of light

I was in a sacred space, singing and chanting barefoot, when out of nowhere another demon appeared. As he was dancing around me, looking at me with intensity in his eyes and bewitching me with his long, black curls, I couldn’t help but wonder: what is it with these dark horses? Even after I have figured out that I am supposed to be finding a different creature – a unicorn with rainbow coloured manes – they keep showing up. But then I remembered the words of Shakti Gawain from her book Living in the Light. She explains that the external world can teach us about hidden aspects of ourselves that we can’t see directly. The people in our life are reflections of the characters and energies that live inside us. Only when we embrace our darkness, she says, can we truly live in the light. In that moment I realised that I’ve gotten used to externalising my dark side instead of owning up to it. As if by magic, the demon lost his power over me and became just a person, someone I know nothing about and need not concern myself with. I would not be inviting him in to play a role in my life, thank you. For all the darkness I need is already inside.